Form Over Function

In terms of performance these things are wretched. A good diffuser allows air to exit smoothly, quietly and fast. These things do just the opposite. But I know some of you can't resist, so there's the link. They certainly have a nice selection.

Turn your head and cough.

Or perhaps it would be better to snicker. This particular probe serves the hypochondriacal rather than the anatomical. They call it a marketing system. I call it a FUD creation system. Of course when it comes to duct cleaning there really isn't much difference between the two.

Been jonesing for a Lightsaber?

Until scientists can defy a few laws of physics, the LightStick will have to hold you over. Some salesmen will tell you it can sterilize the air running through your ducts. If you believe that then you've been watching too much sci-fi.

Your Picasso is humming.

The people that give you free cell phones with that two year contract now give you picture perfect cooling. That's the front of a wall mounted air conditioner. And in the grandest tradition of incomprehensible artistic mumbo jumbo, LG incorporates a feature called "Chaos Swing" straight from the mountains of South Korea.

One step closer to HAL 9000?

Not really, though it does have a black monolith feel to it. The Optimair will change the air filter for you up to 12 times. Then you'll have to pay me to service the Optimair. Cha-Ching! A postcard they sent to contractors declares triumphantly:

"Service Calls Guaranteed Annually!"

Pleather never looked so good.

So sure, your air conditioner probably doesn't need a cover. And should you forget to take the cover off and run it damage may result. But these covers have a fleece backing to keep your little one nice and toasty during those cold winter months. How can you resist?

Turn Star Trek off and celebrate.

The internet controllable thermostat has arrived to soothe your inner geek. And speaking of geeks, what marketing genius named their company "Proliphix" and their product "NT10e"?

Update: Web-enabled competition has arrived. Or at the very least a relabeled version of the same thing has arrived.

Pleasant clacking noise
at no extra charge.

Kool Kap pops up and down automatically to protect your air conditioner from falling tree litter. And if you really fall in love with the product there's the Kool Kap baseball hat!  No... really.

Yet another chance to lose the remote.

Totaline gives you the remote controlled thermostat for the couch potato in you (and on you, and spilling out of your entirely too tight jeans).

Madison Avenue eat your heart out.

For the fashion conscious sports nut York presents the customizable Affinity line. Now you can really support your alma mater. York calls it innovation. I call it marketing. But hey, maybe this will finally motivate homeowners to keep the bushes from swallowing their air conditioners.
 

If only I could get it to
call me stud muffin.

York's talking thermostat provides voice prompts for programming, filter change reminders, etc. My favorite prompt happens to be "Your system is broken, call John at High Performance." It doesn't say it quite that way. But any thermostat that advertises my company is OK by me.

Hypochondriacs rejoice!

Better than HEPA filtration in a furnace filter? That's impressive. Well... it would be if it were true. Ironically enough high end filtration can make things worse for perfectly healthy kids. It's widely believed that growing up in an excessively sterile environment doesn't give young immune systems the chance to grow strong. 
 

So many pretty air conditioners and
they pick that to advertise with?

The statue of liberty sits on a pedestal. Why not your air conditioner? So it's not exactly the same. But when you're  sweating bullets waiting for a peek inside Lady Liberty, I bet you'll have renewed appreciation for ugly brown tin cans like this one.

Return on investment never
bothered an environmentalist.

A solar powered attic fan makes perfect sense, right? Yes. Except for the part where the upfront cost is so high that you may never see a payback on the investment. (The complete study is here.)

Conspicuous HVAC consumption?

This is ostensibly the most efficient air conditioner made. If you've got that kind of money to burn then call me your new best friend.

Eco-Competition is good.

Or maybe this is the world's most efficient? I don't know. But if you really cared about the environment you'd sell the SUV and live in a grass hut.

They'll never find me in here.

Attic Tent is revolutionary way to insulate your attic ladder. Revolutionary? Well, it needed a little spicing up. Woman playing peek-a-boo not included.